No, Still Means No

Once again, claims of sexual harassment have hit the news. Another high-profile person is being accused of inappropriate and unwanted advances towards a woman. "There should be an investigation to determine whether what she says is true," said President Biden, and I agree, whenever there is a claim against someone, it should be investigated, like everything else.

Unfortunately, this is not how these things always play out. Sometimes, when a woman who makes claims of inappropriate behaviors against a man, she becomes the scapegoat blamed for being the aggressor or a straight up liar. Therefore, many women suffer in silence.

Recently, a young college student broke down in a meeting and confided in me that a family member had molested her. Her reason for not telling even her mother was that she didn't want to make anyone uncomfortable. Yet, here she was, the victim, uncomfortable – suffering in silence.

“So, what do we do? Let’s changes the culture of mistreatment against women by speaking out against it and not being a part of the crowd who sides with a man simply because of the persona he presents to the world.”

As alarming as it sounds, this is not surprising. Countless women have remained silent, protecting the identity of the one who violated them because to do otherwise would subject them to further humiliation.

Who will ever forget the humiliation Anita Hill and Christine Ford endured while the men who sexually harassed them were rewarded with lifetime appointments to the Supreme Court? No one. That's why countless other nameless women who have been "mistakenly" tapped on the butt, offered a promotion in return for sexual favors or seriously violated remain quiet.

The most unfortunate part of all this is the lack of support women get from other women, who have probably faced similar treatment. Early this year, I joined a group to promote my book and network with what I thought were other like-minded people. However, I soon discovered that the leader had a personal interest in me.

After receiving several unwanted and unsolicited advances through text messages, DMs, and phone calls, I told him that he was making me uncomfortable. He quickly apologized but eventually staged an encounter and made it appear as if I was verbally attacking him in some way.

The next day, he had the nerve to have a female colleague call to tell me I was no longer a good fit for his little mastermind group. It made me angry listening to her stating a case for a man who used her as a pawn to get him out of what could have been a very awkward situation had I pursued it further.

I stopped short of telling her off and decided against sharing his text messages. Why? It wasn't worth the aggravation. But now, like many other women, I'm tired of overlooking the inappropriate actions of men. I'm tired of hearing story after story about how a man took liberties with a woman simply because he knew he could get away with it.

So, what do we do? Let’s changes the culture of mistreatment against women by speaking out against it and not being a part of the crowd who sides with a man simply because of the persona he presents to the world. Let create a space where women are free to speak up and say no without fear of retaliation. Let's hold the men who violate a women's right to say no accountable – by removing them from the power positions they hold and use for their personal advantage.

How do we do this? If you have been violated, share your story with a trusted friend and keep all evidence – text messages, DMs, voicemail, and anything else to prove what really happened.

Perhaps like me, you feel you missed an opportunity to fully expose the violation when it occurred. But maybe you haven't, really. Maybe it's time to get a little closure by writing about your experience. Maybe you won't provide all of the details, but just enough to encourage someone else to say no and then take the next step of exposing it to others.

I intend to post this blog. Who knows who will see it. Perhaps Mr. Mastermind himself will see it and think twice about offering special treatment and removing it when his advances are declined. This is the only way to put an end to this.

It may be a new day, but the message remains the same - no means no.